Kindness

Please enjoy this poem, “Kindness” by Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Emotional Prison

I discovered today that I am in an emotional prison! I am locked up in the past and I can’t get out. My inner critic is the judge, jury, guard, and has the authority to let me out. I don’t deserve to be in prison, the people who caused my trauma are the ones that need to be there not me. I need to take back my life, get rid of my inner critic and get out of my emotional prison! I have a long healing journey still ahead of me and I will take it one baby step at a time. I also need to remember that when I take two steps forward and one step backwards, that I am still making progress. The journey is not easy and takes a lot of strength that some days I don’t think I have. Then I remember I am worth it and I dig a little deeper and move a baby step forward. I am a survivor and I deserve to be happy and emotionally healthy! I didn’t deserve what happened to me I am not damaged goods or grotesque because of what I went through! I am beautiful and so are you! Our battle scars are not ugly they are proof that we are survivors and they are beauty marks!

I recommend the book Beauty Marks by Linda Barrick. It is an amazing book! You can get it in audio form, as well as paperback.

You Don’t Define Me

I used to think that my mental conditions defined who I was! I now know that they are what I have and not who I am. Yes my daily life is a struggle at times and I know I will always have struggles. As I learn more about those struggles they seem to become a little easier and a little more tolerable to deal with. I used to think mindfulness was stupid and now I think of it as part of my learning curve. It helps me stay in the moment and to be aware of when my past experiences/flashbacks start to creep into my present experiences. It is definitely not easy and that is why it is part of my learning curve because I am always learning more ways to help my self and my struggles not be as hard. I also have learned through my support groups that I am not alone in my struggles!

If you need someone to talk to please feel free to email me at domesticviolenceptsd@gmail.com. I will always respond!

Welcome 2021

I’m going to welcome 2021. It will have to be better than 2019 and 2020. We have had the wildfires, we have had COVID-19, we have had the pandemic, we have had riots and destruction. There’s not much left that we haven’t had in 2019 and 2020, so let’s pray that this year will not be a repeat of the last two years.

Don’t get me wrong there have been wonderful things that happened in 2019 and 2020, but everything else kind of supersedes that because it’s so horrific. There has been so many deaths and the destruction for no apparent reason except to be destructive. There have been things that have been said and done, but I don’t think any of it is worth what has happened to our city, states, and our country. Some will say yes and some will say no. I understand the frustrations that most have felt and the isolation that we have all felt.

If you are reading this blog remember this is just my opinion. And I certainly am not trying to discount anything or things that have been said. I am just stating my opinion and how I feel.

Physical Pain vs Emotional Pain

My physical pain is a better today! My emotional pain is still strong.

Emotional pain is almost harder for me to deal with than the physical pain. My emotions take over sometimes. It is really hard to shake them most times, because of my flashbacks. My therapist gave me the name of a book he wants me to read. It is called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. He wants me to read the whole thing and especially Chapter 8, because it has Steps on how to deal with flashbacks. Hopefully the book will help me and my flashbacks.

Pain

I have been having a lot of pain this past week. I think it may be a flare. Although, I did fall on Saturday, so I don’t know for sure if it is a flare or the fall. I am trying to schedule a massage and that is turning into a hassle. I haven’t had a massage for several weeks now, I really need one. My massage therapist does a really good job of getting my connective tissue to relax and not be as stuck. You can’t beat a good massage therapist that can really get into the muscle and unlock it.

Movement really does help with the pain, if you can get past the initial pain of getting up and moving. My pain is the worst in the morning when I try to get out of bed, once I get up and move most days it does get better. I also take Lyrica and one of my doses is in the morning, some days it helps and others it doesn’t.

Another thing people don’t realize is how much your emotions play into your pain and Fibromyalgia. If I am upset in anyway my pain gets worse. If I can work with my emotions and try to figure out the facts, sometimes that will help my pain.

Stress also raises my pain levels. My Complex-PTSD can really complicate my pain! When I can keep my stress levels down and my Complex-PTSD in check, it can really help reduce my pain levels as well.

The books I have been reading and studying have really helped educate me and has helped with my pain and anxiety about my pain. It doesn’t take the pain away it just helps me understand my pain more and how to work with it instead of against it.

Fear

“When the fever subsides I realize I can handle it, but a part of me doubts that I can. The pole to the past is strong; it is the Darkside of my life; and I must well there from time to time. The struggle may also be a way to know that I survive a – re-playing of the fight to survive – which apparently I won, but cannot own.” From the book – The Body Keeps the Score – Nancy’s story

I can relate to this quotation